Kids, part 2

Hold it! This might make a little more sense if you start with Kids, part 1.

Lauren 6, Zack 4

‘Reading’ a Christmas poem to Tom, Lauren rattled off the gifts presented by the Wise Men to the baby Jesus: “Gold, Frankenstein, and myrrh.”

* * * * *
Lauren asked Susan last night if there was electricity when she was a little girl. Yes, we had electricity, but no color TV, fancy stereos, CDs or VCRs. Lauren then asked, “Did you wear bustle dresses?”  

* * * * *
When Susan gave Zack a big hug at bedtime, he said, “Mom, you squeezed my brain up!” He was awake and sniffing later, so I went in to have him blow his nose. When I sat beside him on his bed, he said, “Don’t worry, Dad. The hot spot will go away.” Still awake at 11:00, I went in again to see about rocking him for a while. He declined. I asked if he was having a hard time getting to sleep because he was excited. He replied, “No, I’m just waiting for myself to get to sleep.”

* * * * *
Lauren wanted to know why one of the Christmas carols is called “Chelsea’s Day-o.”

* * * * *
When I was putting Zack to sleep one night in December, he told me, “I’m ready, baby, for Christmas!”

* * * * *
After wearing new black socks, Zack wanted Susan to get a warm washcloth and clean the “mint” from between his toes.

* * * * *
Before he goes to sleep, Zack usually wants to hear a story about when I was a little boy. For some reason, I remembered a summer day with friends in our living room. All of a sudden we heard “Bunker” (our Husky-German Shepherd) run into the house. He skidded through a couple of turns on the kitchen linoleum, then bounded into the living room to throw up a huge pile of vomit on the rug right in the middle of the room.

Zack thought about this for a moment, then asked if my Mom had cleaned up the vomit. I told him that I had to clean it up. He responded: “If Max and Travis and Hayden and me were having a club in my room, and my dog came in and threw up on my bed, I would get a scrub brush and some soapy water and clean it up, and then I would get rid of that dog.”

* * * * *
I’ve been reading The Princess and The Goblin and The Princess and Curdie (both by George MacDonald) to Lauren. When we encountered the phrase, “the door had been left ajar,” Lauren wanted to know what “ajar” meant. I closed her door most of the way to show her. Lauren, who prefers to have her door open (she doesn’t like to miss anything), said, “Daddy, I like my door the whole jar.”

* * * * *
The kids’ preschool got a portable this year with two wonderful new classrooms in it. It sits across the small parking lot from the rest of the building. When I mentioned to Zack that he would be going to school tomorrow, he replied, “I don’t go to that school anymore, Daddy. I go to the quartable.”

* * * * *
Susan told Zack she’d cut his hair on Friday. He said, “Yeah, because there’s no haircut left on my head.”

* * * * *
While stopped at a traffic light on the way to Grandma’s house, we were jolted by the booming sound system of a car behind us. We’ve referred to this as “mush brain music.” Zack asked, “Are those mush brains? It’s so loud I can feel the rhythm,” then added, “I can feel the rhythm in my penis.”

* * * * *
Zack was the last one to be picked up from school one day. Susan asked him if Maddie had gone home a long time ago, or if her mother had picked her up a little while ago. Zack replied, “Maddie’s mom picked her up a few whiles before you came.”

Lauren 6-1/2, Zack 4-1/2

We heard a loud fart in the bathroom, then Zack confessed, “Oh, I honked my horn.”

* * * * *
When the cat next door died, our neighbor wrapped it up in a plastic bag and called for someone to pick it up because it was too big to bury in the back yard. Lauren announced, “If I had a pet bird and the bird died, I would put it in a box, hang it in a tree, and make a sign that said….” Zack piped in, “Dead bird?”

* * * *
Eating lunch on the road, Zack exclaimed, “This cheese is stinky! Smell it, Lauren!” Lauren replied, “It’s not stinky. It just smells like a band aid.”

* * * * *
Driving on the Alaskan Way viaduct, Tom asked, “Where’s the Kingdome? Does anyone see the Kingdome?” (The indoor stadium had been blown up several weeks earlier.) Lauren responded, “There it is. They haven’t vacuumed it all up yet.”

* * * * *
During Holy Week we were trying to explain to the kids why Easter is such an important day. Zack told us, “Easter is special because Jesus died on the cross and was dead, but he didn’t stay dead, he was alive again. He had a new body and new skin, and we’ll have a new body and new skin too.” He thought a bit more and added, “When I have new skin, I think I’ll be brown.”

* * * * *
Zack is starting to wear pants that zip and snap rather than sweat pants. On the way to school, Susan reminded him that it took longer to get them off, so he needed to not wait so long to go to the bathroom. In fact, it was probably a good idea for him to go even if it didn’t feel like he had to. Zack agreed: “Yeah, because my platter is always filling up with shi shi.”

* * * * *
How was Lauren’s day at school? “Good, except on the playground I felt left out and I cried.” Tom sympathetically probed, “Sweetheart, I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?” Lauren explained, “Well, I wanted to play with Kathryn and Ellen and Kelsey, but they went and played together on the big toy. When I asked them to play the game we usually play, they didn’t want to so I went to the other side of the playground and I cried.”

“Did you stay there and cry all recess?” Tom asked. Lauren responded, “No, after I gathered up my knowledge, I went and told them that what they did hurt my feelings.”

Zack said, “It’s courage, you gathered up your courage.”

Lauren agreed, “Oh yeah, I gathered up my courage and then I told them.”

* * * * *
On the way home from a friend’s, Zack suddenly exclaimed, “The flowers! I forgot the flowers I picked for you!” Susan was eager to get home and tried to convince Zack that he could pick more on Wednesday, but he began to cry, wailing, “No! I picked them just for you! Can we turn around and get them?” His friend’s house has a very pretty garden and Susan thought the kids had been allowed to pick some flowers. She went back and Zack happily retrieved the flowers he had left on the milk box. At home Susan promptly put the two slightly wilted ½” white clovers in a vase.

* * * * *
We walked on a beach where Lauren and Zack discovered tiny snails and each gathered a handful of them. Zack watched the snails with their antennae out, crawling on his hand, and observed, “They want to see what’s going on.” Lauren concluded that the snails crawled around on her hand “because they like me.”

* * * * *
Susan and the kids were driving on a four-lane arterial when Zack spotted a squirrel. “Mom, I saw a squirrel over there!” Susan commented that it was surprising to see a squirrel on such a busy street. Zack explained, “I saw it look both ways before it crossed the street.”

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2 responses to “Kids, part 2

  1. Hi Tom: Laura sent your blog link to me today. I have a lot of work to do, so I had to stop here because all I’m doing is reading about the kids and laughing my head off. Not fair! Some of their comments reminded me of a recent day when I was driving 5 year old Kristy home from her second day of Kindergarten. It was late, she had just been on the bus for over an hour and she was tired and cranky. When I asked her how her day went, she said “Not good! The other kids teased me and called me names and it got on my nerves! Mommy, what does “got on my nerves” mean?” I had to laugh and all I could think to say was, “just exactly how you are feeling about it right now!”

  2. Well, you have been collecting a few prize pieces over the years! I’ve only memorized the funniest one per kid – where did you record your funny kid sayings? They are so sweet (as are your kids…..but I will be dropping off my latest good read any day now. It’s called “GET OUT OF MY LIFE, but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?” and guess why Susan has requested it?).

    Thanks for the fun Tom. Keep posting!

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