Tag Archives: family humor

Kindness + attitude = Zack

When Zack answered a call yesterday, the caller asked if she had reached “Emily.” Zack inquired as to who was calling. “Sharon” identified herself and said she was calling for Emily.

Zack – whose voice is deeper than mine – said, “Sharon, do I sound to you like an Emily?”

When Sharon realized she had a wrong number and apologized, Zack responded, “It’s okay, Sharon. I forgive you.”

Sharon ended this perfect moment by hanging up.

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Reprise of funny kid stuff

Many of our young friends have babies and little kids.  Of course it reminds me of those days with Lauren and Zack, and I’ve gathered a heartwarming collection of stuff they said and did in these posts:

Kids, part 1
Kids, part 2
Kids, part 3
Kids, part 4

Enjoy!

Prostitute? Protestant? What’s the difference?

One of our favorite local families was watching the rock opera “Jesus Christ Superstar” at home.  In discussing why Judas was so angry with Mary Magdalene (many traditions hold that she had worked in the world’s oldest profession), Mom and Dad inquired if their son knew what a prostitute was.  He was pretty sure he did:  “Isn’t it someone who’s not Catholic and doesn’t believe all of the same stuff we do?”

Kids, part 4

This little series starts with Kids, part 1; check the Complete Table of Contents page for other links.

Lauren 9, Zack 6-1/2

A girl at school whacked Zack on the head with a purse that had rocks in it. Tom asked if Zack wanted a “daddy kiss” to help it feel better. “Where on your forehead did you get bonked?” Zack answered, “It wasn’t on my forehead, but it was in the same column.”

* * * * * * *
Mr. Logical begins spelling his name “Z-A-C-K” because “Z-A-C-H” would be pronounced “zatch.”

Lauren 9, Zack 7

After eating a stir fry dish Susan had prepared, Zack instructed, “Mommy, the next time you make this, don’t put these (Portobello mushrooms) in it. The flavor doesn’t go with the other stuff.”

* * * * * * * *
I noticed that the down booties I had given Susan earlier were now under Zack’s bed. “Mommy gave those to me,” Zack informed me. I replied, “Did you know I gave those to Mommy?” After a short pause Zack remarked, “Boy, your feet must have been a LOT smaller then!”

* * * * * * * *
Lauren said when people at school tease her about the beauty spot in the middle of her forehead, she tells them that she got it when the angels were splatter painting.

* * * * * * * *
A poem by Lauren

“How are you supposed to play
tetherball on a windy day?
The wind will win anyway!”

* * * * * * *
Zack thought that a substitute teacher’s voice was strange. “I don’t think she has a uvula. Her voice sounds like it comes from the back of her neck, and it doesn’t have any vibrations.”

* * * * * * * *
On Susan’s birthday we stopped at a clothing store with some items she liked very much. She tried on a particular top, but Zack said she couldn’t wear it. “You’d need to be a lot younger,” he told her. Then pointing to the middle of his chest he added, “And you’d need to have one of those cracks.”

* * * * * * * *
Zack understands that he is half Japanese and half Caucasian. Tonight he wanted to know if he would be “all Japanese” when he grows up.

* * * * * * * *
Lauren “applied for a job” in her third grade class (after finishing a unit in which she was a banker). On her application to be a lawyer, she listed among her qualifications that she had been a librarian, had a lot of knowledge, could speak very loudly, graduated from UW and Yale, worked as a detective, and co-owned the Wild Child Mystery Detective Agency.

* * * * * * * *
After a particularly difficult and tearful correction, Lauren left a note addressed to “Tom and Susan” in our bathroom. The note read:

Do I have a house that I know of?
NO
Do I have a Mom and Dad that love me that act like it and try their best that I know of?
NO
Do I want to runaway?
YES
Do I feel like this is not my family and house?
YES
Do I feel like I have a family that cares?
NO
Are my “Mom and Dad” saying stuff about how I feel or what I’m thinking that’s not true?
YES
Are there only three members of the family because I feel mistreated, misunderstood, and I’m not part of this family?
YES
Am I just having a hard time with all this stuff going on and my “parents” think I’m pity partying?
YES
Signed,

A child that feels like an orphan

Tom and Lauren had a chat to talk about her feelings, after which Lauren went back through the note and checked off the concerns that had been addressed with a pink highlighter. All of the items except the last one were checked, the quotes around “Mom and Dad” were crossed off, and her signature description was crossed off.

* * * * * * * *
Zack is playing soccer for the first time this year. He slipped and fell quite a bit during a rainy practice the other night. When I asked him how the practice had gone, he described it as “wet, grassy, and painful.”

Lauren 10, Zack 8

Zack came down with a mild case of stomach flu which gave him diarrhea and stomach cramps. He was upset that even when he was hungry and ate just a little he’d get stomach cramps. He didn’t want to go to church on Sunday because, “What if they have snacks that are hard to digest?”

* * * * * * * *
Zack was looking around the living room and observed, “Daddy, if you and Mommy hadn’t gotten married, we wouldn’t have lights in the china cabinet.”

* * * * * * * *
The kids were quite curious about Susan’s first colonoscopy. When she took the first dose of “Fleet,” Zack asked if she would have to sleep on the toilet that night.

* * * * * * * *
One of the boys in Zack’s Sunday school class played the cello during communion. We asked Zack if he had heard David play, and he replied, “Yeah, I heard him. He played while they passed out the food.”

* * * * * * * *
Lauren noted that she was able to recognize the handwriting of several teachers at school because each of them “has their own font.”

* * * * * * * *
Zack typed up a book review at school this week:

My Book Review

My favorite book and author is C.S. Louis he wrote the chronicles of narnea. My favorite book he wrote is the Last Battle. C.S. Louis has good descriptions. He has clear ideas. He has good beginnings middles and endings. He has good pictures. His books are easy to read aloud. His endings make you think. He has good action parts. He has good funny parts. He has good names for giants. drawfs, wizards, and marshwiglles. He uses power and punch. His stories make sense.

* * * * * * *
Susan had to be at the hospital at 7:00 am for a breast biopsy. She gave the kids a choice of having her parents come and get them ready and take them to school while Daddy took her to the hospital, or Daddy getting them ready and her parents taking her to the hospital. Zack clamored, “I want Daddy!” Lauren considered this and asked Susan, “But don’t you want Daddy to be with you?”

* * * * * * * *
Two Zack food quotes: “Mom, you make the most mouth watering broccoli stir fry!” and regarding the deep fried tofu squares in the hot and sour soup, “I don’t like these. They take all the flavor in and don’t let any out.”

Kids, part 3

If you haven’t read them, you might want to start with Kids, part 1
and Kids, part 2.

Lauren 7, Zack 5

Lauren was admiring her reflection in one of the big dining room windows. Tom had her sit on his lap and told her the story of Narcissus, the handsome young man who fell in love with his own reflection. He eventually drowned when he tumbled into the water trying to get a closer look at himself. Lauren thought for a moment before concluding: “Boy, I’m sure glad I know how to swim!”   Continue reading

Kids, part 2

Hold it! This might make a little more sense if you start with Kids, part 1.

Lauren 6, Zack 4

‘Reading’ a Christmas poem to Tom, Lauren rattled off the gifts presented by the Wise Men to the baby Jesus: “Gold, Frankenstein, and myrrh.”

* * * * *
Lauren asked Susan last night if there was electricity when she was a little girl. Yes, we had electricity, but no color TV, fancy stereos, CDs or VCRs. Lauren then asked, “Did you wear bustle dresses?”   Continue reading

Kids, part 1

Over the years we’ve jotted down things the kids said that have had us in stitches or in tears, and have helped us see the world through their eyes. We’re very glad we did it…

Lauren, age 2

Roads on the Oregon Coast were being repaired after winter storms. When a car passed us driving much too fast on a large patch of gravel, Tom muttered, “Idiot!” Lauren immediately wanted to know what an idiot was. The next night we were driving on the same stretch of road and Lauren asked, “Daddy, where’s the idiot?”   Continue reading